Finding Refuge Read online

  A dark cloud gathered in her chest, memories of her own experiences ‘dealing with it’ sifting up from the recesses of her mind. “Drugs?”

  Travis winced. “Cocaine. Alcohol. Marijuana. I just thank God that’s all. He lost a friend to meth last year. You’d think that alone would convince him to get clean and stay that way, but he manages to convince himself that he’s different.”

  That sounded familiar. “I thought I heard him say he’d been in rehab.”

  “Twice now. Ninety days this last time. He just got out the end of May.” He sighed heavily. “I don’t think it helped. He’s already had one relapse that I know of.”

  What did she say to that? “I’m sorry, Travis. I know how painful that must be for you.”

  He shook his head, then chuckled softly and put on a bit of a smile. “Wow, I really turned this evening into a downer. I apologize.”

  “Hey, don’t worry about it. I enjoy talking to you, no matter what subject comes up.” Andri understood the shift he’d made, and the best thing she could do at this point was let it go. He was hurting, but unwilling to voice it, whether in general or because they still didn’t know each other very well. She knew how hard it could be to talk about life with an addict, but if he wasn’t ready to say more, she couldn’t really offer any advice. That would be a surefire way to irritate him.

  He yawned, then patted her hand and rose to leave. “I enjoy talking to you too, Andri. I’m short on sleep, though, and a tired brain doesn’t always choose the best topics.”

  She walked him out, pausing at the top of the porch stairs. “Thanks for your help with the apartment hunt. That would have taken me forever on my own.”

  He leaned down, and her breath caught when he kissed her cheek. “Night, Andri.”

  She watched him drive away, then went inside and turned on the TV. She flipped through channels, not really paying attention to what flashed on the screen. She and Travis were friends. Period. At this point, even getting into benefits might be going too far, but being more than friends was out of the question.

  One addict in her life, albeit a recovered one, was the limit of what she could handle. She hadn’t realized until that moment how deep the scars from dealing with her mother all her life ran. She liked Travis a great deal, and she really liked their chemistry. It didn’t matter, not after catching a glimpse of how thickly his brother’s addiction twined around Travis’s life. How could she willingly invite that destructiveness into her life again?

  She fervently hoped Danny Holt would recover and go on to have a long, happy life. It broke her heart to see people lose their battles, knowing what it cost those who loved them. But right now, the thought of coping with the strain of another addict was too much.

  It shook her, recognizing she was damaged in a way she hadn’t noticed before. Tears filled her eyes and she let them fall in silence.

  ****

  Andri stayed busy over the next week, working a few days with Rachel. Her belongings arrived from Arizona, and she felt strangely better having her stuff stacked in the garage. It meant progress, made her decisions feel more real. It also meant her own fishing rod was available, so she and Rachel spent time on the river.

  Friday was the Fourth of July, and she and Rachel spent the day at a huge park in Salt Lake. Holt Construction threw an annual picnic for their employees and the subs and their families. She saw Travis off and on throughout the day, but he was busy helping with the food, assisting his dad with running some contests. When he did spend a few moments with her, his happy mood rubbed off on her and she found herself enjoying the day more than she’d anticipated.

  That night, under a dark, clear sky, Andri joined Rachel in the middle of a mass of blankets, spread on the lawn for watching the impending fireworks. Kids ran past, waving sparklers as she chose her spot and sat cross-legged. Rachel leaned back to study the sky.

  Travis arrived a few moments later, having said goodbye to his parents. She turned to look at him as he stretched out beside her, the warm bit of breeze teasing her with his scent, accented with tones of sunscreen and smoke from the grill. His t-shirt clung to his frame just enough to hint at the muscles that shaped his chest and abs.

  She let her gaze slide down over his faded jeans, to the rip in one thigh. She imagined how the lightly-furred skin visible beneath the ragged edges of the denim might feel, jerking her thoughts away before she fell to temptation and touched him. This was supposed to be about friendship, right? She did not need a relationship right now. She did not need a relationship with him. Better get her mind elsewhere in a hurry. “How’s your dad?”

  “Fine. I think he wore himself out today. That three-legged race was a bit much.” Travis looked around her and lifted a hand to signal someone. Soon, Andri recognized the lanky form of Danny approaching. He’d arrived late tonight, but apparently sober. So far, it looked like Travis was simply going to be happy his brother had shown up. That was a good place for him to be.

  Danny nudged Rachel’s legs with his foot. “Make a space, Rach.”

  “And you’ll make it worth my while how?”

  He narrowed his eyes at her. “I’ll tickle you until you can’t breathe if you don’t.”

  Rachel snorted. “Come on, kid, try it. I can still take you, and you know it.”

  “You wish. I suppose I could ask nicely.”

  “Suppose you could.”

  Danny adopted a foot-forward stance and gave a flourished bow. “Dearest Rachel, sweet lady, grand friend, Queen of all that Glows with the Might of Electricity, wouldst thou be so kind as to move thy ass, so that I may occupy the smallest of parcels at thy delicate feet and watch the fireworks that shall surely dim in the face of thy beauty?”

  Andri laughed and applauded, glancing at Travis and enjoying the happiness etched on his face.

  Rachel laughed and pulled her feet up to make room. “That was laid on a bit thick, Danny-boy.”

  Danny shrugged and sat. He lay back, cushioning his head on his arm. “Yep. Worked, though.”

  Andri settled on her back, staring up at the sky, but after a moment, Travis scooted flush beside her and urged her to sit up enough that he could slide his arm beneath her head. Her heart tripped into a pounding beat as she rested against his strong shoulder.

  When he tilted his head to touch hers, the throbbing of her pulse intensified. It had been so long since someone set off her desire, and it was all she could do not to squeeze her thighs together in response. Clearly, it didn’t matter to her hormones what her brain understood about their friendship. He wasn’t flirting with her, and heaven knew she didn’t want him to, but it sure felt good to have him close.

  “Comfortable?” he asked, his breath warm against her cheek.

  “Very.” No, she was actually getting a little achy, but that wasn’t something she needed to share.

  “Hmm. Good.”

  The first firework shell boomed and burst into a thousand points of blue and red light, and as if on cue, Travis, Rachel, and Danny all said, “Ooooooh.” They followed the next burst with “Ahhhhhh.”

  Andri giggled. “You three have done this before.”

  Travis chuckled and she felt it vibrate through his chest. “Oh, yeah. Wait’ll we get to the end. Gotta make a big deal out of the grand finale.”

  She joined in with the oohs and ahhs after that, trying to ignore the flare of heat in her belly every time he shifted beside her. They were friends. Friends who could enjoy a holiday together and not get any deeper.

  Chapter Seven

  Travis pulled into the driveway at his parents’ house the following Wednesday afternoon, fighting a yawn. Everything had been fine for days, but last night, out of the blue, he’d dreamed about Jacob. Dark, distorted images, twisted sounds. His brother’s face, his expression so desolate and unreachable. Screaming until his throat burned. Fighting as hard as he could, but losing…failing… It hung in his mind, creating a haze he couldn’t shake for the rest of the day.

 
; He’d considered catching a nap in the office, but with his luck, that would be proclaiming open season on his brain for whatever part of his subconscious enjoyed filling his dreams with the past.

  His mother was playing the piano when he walked in past the open entry of the music room. He waved but she merely nodded at him and continued playing. He went into his dad’s office, but he wasn’t there. Travis found the plans he’d come for and gathered them under his arm, then made a quick trip through the house to find his dad.

  Ready to give up, he finally spotted him in the backyard. Travis made his way outside, across the expanse of deep green lawn to the edge of his mother’s wild garden. There, Terrence stood on an overgrown path, touching the petals of a row of black hollyhocks, on a stalk as tall as he was.

  Feeling strangely like he was interrupting a moment of deep communion between man and nature, Travis said, “Hey, Dad.”

  Terrence turned, his smile a little wistful. “It looks like you found what you needed.”

  “Yeah, thanks.” Travis watched him approach, his palms brushing various plants as he exited the overgrown craziness that his mother had let take over a good third of the yard. He’d never really understood Mother’s unruly garden, but it was their property. If Dad didn’t care, then she could do whatever she wanted with it.

  He gave his dad a hug. “How are you feeling, now that you’ve had a couple of days off?”

  “Oh, I’m fine,” Terrence said, and some of Travis’s tension unwound. “The congestion in my chest cleared right up. I think I finally shook that cold this time. Come on, I’ll walk you out.”

  Travis’s relief over his dad’s improved health put him in a better mood. One that took a nosedive half an hour later when he walked back into the office and saw the distinct disapproval on his office manager’s face as she hung up the phone. “What’s going on, Peggy?”

  “I’ve rescheduled three of Daniel’s appointments today, and the one I just got off the phone with was very unhappy about the change.”

  Not again. His gut knotted. “Did you talk to him?”

  She slipped her glasses off and cleaned the lenses on the end of her purple blouse. “Yes.”

  “High?”

  “Maybe. Definitely hung over.”

  Travis muttered a curse under his breath, but Peggy caught it anyway. She shook her head. “I know, hon, I know.”

  He left the plans he’d retrieved at Peggy’s desk for the sub who’d need them in the morning. He spent the next few hours wrapping up the rest of the day’s duties in a cold funk. What was it going to take to fix Danny? If someone would just give him something concrete he could do to clean up his brother once and for all, he’d sacrifice everything he had to make it happen.

  At five-thirty, a calendar reminder beeped from his phone. Damn. He was supposed to see a play with Andri tonight. He was less than pleasant company, too tired and frustrated to enjoy any kind of activity. He thought about cancelling, but he didn’t want to let her down. He washed up quickly and put on a fresh shirt before heading off to pick her up.

  ****

  Andri leaned against the porch railing at Rachel’s house, waiting for Travis to take her to a play. She grinned when he pulled into the driveway and got out of his truck, looking yummy in a gray shirt and black pants. A little zing of electricity pinged around inside her, until his tired smile and shadowed eyes grabbed her attention. His day had obviously worn him out. Aww, poor guy.

  He took her hand as she joined him at the bottom of the steps. “Long day at the office?” she asked.

  He shrugged. “Nah, I’ve had worse.” He walked her around to the truck’s passenger door and opened it for her.

  She paused and squeezed his hand. “Travis, we don’t have to go if you’re tired.”

  Travis smiled at her, and it looked genuine. “I know.”

  He was thoroughly pleasant, conversing with her on the drive to the playhouse. But she’d seen him physically tired before, and there was more to his underlying mood than a simple lack of sleep or hours of hard work. Something was definitely off with him. His gaze was walled off more than usual, and his step seemed heavier up the steps to the theater.

  When the play proved to be bland and boring, she suggested they leave at intermission. The relief in his expression was undeniable. On the drive back to the house, she wanted to ask him what was wrong, but he gave no indication that he was willing to discuss what weighed on him.

  Travis accepted her invitation to come in for a while once they returned to Rachel’s house. He turned on the game system while she retrieved iced tea, but whatever distracted him kept him from driving his souped up game car well enough to beat her. That was a first. Racing games were not her strong point.

  Finally, he set the controller on the coffee table and groaned, running a hand over his face with a grimace. “I’m sorry, Andri. I’m lousy company. I should call it a night.”

  Andri gently rubbed his shoulder. “Hey, we all have our off days. What’s going on?”

  “It’s been one of those roller-coaster days, but it took a bad drop toward the end.”

  “Is your dad still sick?”

  He turned toward her. “No, he’s feeling great for a change.” He reached over and smoothed a stray lock of hair over her shoulder with the rest, his touch sending warmth curling down her torso. “Danny missed work today. Peggy said he sounded hung over, but I couldn’t confirm for myself because he didn’t answer my calls.”

  His brother would have been her next guess for the source of his mood. “That’s not good.”

  He sighed. “No, it isn’t.”

  Part of her cried out a warning in the back of her mind that she was about to step into butting-in territory, but she ignored it and dove into the thing she’d thought about since observing the way he and his brother interacted. “Travis, have you ever talked to anyone about Danny?”

  “Of course, when he’s gone into rehab, I’ve been there for the initial visit.”

  “No, that’s not what I mean.” She knew she had to put this delicately. “Have you talked to someone about him, for yourself? About the strain his addiction puts on you.”

  His brow furrowed, confusion in his eyes. “Why would I? I mean, yeah, obviously there is some stress in dealing with all of his crap. But he’s my brother. He’s worth it.”

  “Of course he’s worth it, Travis, that’s not what I’m saying.” She sighed, knowing she’d gone too far to back up now. “Do you recognize that shouldering the weight of his problems is unhealthy for you? I know you’re giving it everything you have, trying to help him and heal him, but…you can’t force him to be fixed. You can’t save him from himself.”

  His gaze darkened and he released her hand. “Danny needs my help. He can’t do it on his own.”

  She saw the storm coming, the defensiveness building in his eyes, but she’d come this far. Might as well finish. He needed to hear it, even if he hated her for it. “Ultimately he’ll make his own choices, and if he decides not to help himself, and you don’t get out of the way, you’ll end up a casualty of his choices.”

  Travis sat up, his gaze frosting into a cool glare. “You know, it’s easy to be an armchair quarterback, Andri, but you don’t have any idea what it’s like to be in my shoes. I’ve been taking care of my brother for a long time now. I know what needs to be done. You don’t.” His voice was tight, controlled.

  She clamped down on the fight rising inside her, resisting the urge to give in to her mother’s way of holding a discussion. Screaming wouldn’t help. At this point, she doubted he’d listen if she tried to explain her position, that she did know what it was like. She knew the path he was headed down, a path that would disappear in front of him and drop him off the edge of a cliff. But now was clearly not the time to press him. She raised her hands in surrender. “Okay. I’m only trying to help.”

  He sighed heavily and rubbed his face with one hand. “I know. But I don’t need your advice. It would be best if we did
n’t talk about this subject anymore.” He glanced at his phone, checking the time. “I’d better go.”

  Andri walked him to the door, her heart heavy. He didn’t look back as he left. She closed the door behind him and leaned against it. That hadn’t gone well. She took a slow, deep breath, trying to release both her frustration and the sting Travis had needled into her skin with his words. She didn’t blame him for lashing out. The man was doing everything in his power to save someone he loved. Of course he had reacted with anger and defensiveness when told he was doing it wrong.

  Travis wore responsibility like a second skin. He’d never let his brother fall, even if Danny was determined to hit rock bottom. It probably went against everything in Travis to let someone else crash without trying to stop them.

  If his need to protect outweighed the instinct for survival, he’d easily be sucked into the riptide. She’d certainly learned that lesson the hard way, and it killed her to see Travis on a collision course with the same harsh schooling. No matter how much his scent and his touch made her insides do funny flips, Travis was her friend, and Andri couldn’t let a friend suffer if there was anything at all she could do to help. She hoped she could somehow help Travis learn the lesson looming before him before it blew into him and left him in pieces.

  ****

  Travis worked harder than he ever had over the next several days, dividing his time between the office and assisting crews, driving both brain and body until he collapsed into an exhausted sleep at the end of the day. Heavy sleep kept dreams, whether of his brother or Andri, at bay.

  The hard work didn’t help him with thoughts of Andri during the day. Little things provided a stream of reminders. A breeze would kick up on the job, and he’d see her in his mind, all cute and windblown from fishing. One afternoon, he pulled cash out of his wallet and a receipt from the last time they had lunch together fell out, making him think about how much she’d loved the butter chicken at that Indian place.

  They were just friends, and at the moment she wasn’t on his happy list, so why the hell was it so hard to stop thinking about her?